Butterball Santana
by Halfthebattle23
Summary: Santana and Rachel get more then they bargained for when they enter an unknown restaurant looking for supplies. Santana finally meets her match in the form of an unlikely source. Can Rachel and Santana fend for themselves when they are faced with an unknown predator? UT oneshot based off my other story. Pezberry awesomeness!


**A/N: Ok so I know that I have definitely been lacking in the updates and for that I am sorry! Eeeeek. But this was a promised oneshot to one of my fans and I decided to do it up. Many of you that have actually read my story, "Uncharted Territory", know that there was something mentioned about Butterball and Santana. Many were curious about this so I decided to elaborate in a oneshot :) I hope you all enjoy and I will try my hardest to get back into the spirit of writing my stories :):) love you all!**

**I do not own anything other then my own fictional characters! Wish I did though!**

"This is by far the creepiest ass place I have ever been." Santana says, darting her eyes around the abandonned restaurant. It had been weeks since we met up and already she is driving me absolutely bonkers. Like seriously? Get over shit already. Things try to eat us _eveyday_. It never changes.

"You said that the last time." I say, stepping over the broken glass that used to be the front door. I have my bat out, knowing that the zombies now tend to jump out at you without warning. All the time. "It's not that bad. Suck it up and grow some balls." I growl, looking around the large restaurant/grocery store. Chicago had some weird shit.

I wasn't sure if there was going to be much left in here, but I thought I might as well try anyways. Oh sorry, I mean, I thought that _we _should try. I keep forgetting that i'm not exactly alone anymore. Kind of wish that I was. She's as annoying as the old me and that's saying something!

"Ya, well, this one is bigger, therefore, creepier." She says, staying close behind me. Last time she wandered a little too far away from me, she got attacked by an absolutely, _terrifying_...stick. Yep. She screamed so loud that day, that all the zombies that had not yet seen us...heard us. We ran for an hour. Nonstop. So I teased her about it. Nonstop. Ha.

"Look," I start, grimacing as I spot a man that only had half of a head. Gross. "...we need supplies and if you would keep your mouth shut for once, we might get out of here with some food and nothing removed by disease ridden chompers." I growl, taking a peek down an aisle and deeming it safe.

"I was just saying..." I hear her grumble, causing me to roll my eyes. Typical Santana. "Oh look!" She says, a little too loudly for my liking. I turn and glare at her. She returns it, still pointing at the sign above us. I look up and let out a disbelieving laugh. Because, seriously? "I needs me some booze!" She finishes and starts to trot towards the liquor aisle. I roll my eyes, walking closely behind her.

"Would you slow down and pay the fuck attention?" I growl, lowly. She didn't even have her bat out. Or her shotgun. They were both slung across her back as she carelessly walked to the aisle with the supposed alcohol in it. Santana stops, looks at me and then nods. She pulls out her bat and holds it to my face.

"Happy, mother?" She questions, sarcastically and I smile a big fake smile back.

"Ecstatic."

Once we reach the aisle, i'm honestly expecting to find nothing but of course I am wrong. Santana lets out a joyful cheer and hops...yes _hops _over to the booze that was still on the shelf. I mean, alcohol could be good for Molotov Cocktails. It helps when the zombies become too much in one area.

"Rum!" Santana says, happily. She grabs the bottle and hugs it to her face and I can't help but let out a laugh. "There's only one left too! I'm so...happy." She says, sniffling. Whether she's actually crying or not, I don't know. I roll my eyes.

"Grab your shit and let's get a move on. We don't have all day, Satan." I say and then freeze when an unexpected sound is heard from behind me. I whirl around and don't see anything. I turn back to Santana who seemed to ignore my nickname for me and was happily putting alcohol in the bag she brought in. "Don't fill that, we still need it to get supplies." She glares at me, but complies.

"It is essential that I be drunk when around you, hobbit. You annoy me." She says, shrugging and throwing in another bottle of vodka. I snort. I hear another sound from behind me and I turn my head to look again. Nothing. God, I think i'm going fucking crazy.

"_Gobble, gobble." _

This time, my whole body swings around and my eyes widen. What the fuck? Can I not deal with these things for one fuckin' day? Like seriously?

"Ya, gobble gobble bitch." Santana says, not realizing that we are in some serious shit. Well. I think we are, by the looks of the creature before me. "Imma gobble these bottles till I pass out." She says, happily storing more bottles in her bag.

"Santana..." I say in a warning voice.

"Oh quit with it, Stewart Litttle, i'm almost done."

"Santana." I try again, only this time my voice is a little firmer.

"_Gobble, gobble." _

"Would you fuck off with the whole gobble, gobble thing? You're making me think of grandma Lopez's delicious butterball turkey that she used to make." Santana says, her voice somewhat sad. "I ate a part of that turkey and then felt bad." For fuck sakes! I growl, and turn around, forefully grabbing her shoulders and turning her to face what I was previously looking at. Her eyes widen. "Holy fuck!" She squeaks! "I didn't think that my abuela was serious when she said the damn thing would haunt me in my dreams!" Santana turns to me and slaps me across the face.

"Ow! What the fuck?!" I growl, holding my sore cheek. Her eyes are still big.

"I was making sure that this wasn't a dream!" She says, her eyes darting between the turkey and an escape route. I huff out a breath.

"You're supposed to pinch yourself, you bitch!" I growl out, turning to look at the...creature. Turkombie? Hmmm, i'll have to work on that nickname.

"Ya, but that made me feel better and I love myself too much to ever hurt me." She says, letting out a small smirk before turning her eyes back to the turkey.

I turn to look at the gi-fuckin-gantic turkey standing in front of us. Well, at least, I think it is a turkey. It's really deformed looking. It's neck is long as shit. It has fangs that put Cujo's to shame. Worst of all though, it has that crazy look in its' eye that, to me, says, _Lunchtime motherfuckers_. I'm horrified. Of course, I do find humor in Santana's reaction. She's petrified. Pretty sure she is muttering a spanish prayer or something.

"Hmmm looks like that butterball turkey has come back for revenge." I say, keeping an absolute straight face. I want to die laughing. Her eyes widen, once again, and she takes a step away from the alcohol. "Did you eat its' body first, or it's legs? Cause honestly, I think there is a chunk out of that one's legs." She yelps and jumps behind me and I roll my eyes. It's just a fuckin' turkey. Geeeez.

"Kill it, kill it!" She orders, almost shaking in fear. I let out a laugh and pull out one of my Desert Eagles as the damn thing starts to hobble towards us. I point it at the thing's head and BAM! Situation cleared. I turn to Santana who is still looking over my shoulder, in fear.

"Done and done." I say, smiling and rolling my eyes. However, her eyes once again widen and I whirl around to...what the flying fuck? My eyes widen. No freakin' way!

Not only has the thing survived the shot through the head, but now it has two heads. What the crap? Did we just enter a fuckin' twilight zone? Is this some Hercules shit? The damn thing hobbles forward again and I raise my gun, firing off two shots. One in each of the heads. I watch as the thing goes down and I let out a satisfying smile. Which only falls when a third head pops out and the damn things gets up again. Fuck me with a whip.

"Hydra, Berry, Hydra!" Santana yelps, and before I can say another word, Santana takes off behind me. Fuckin' coward.

"Get back here! It's just a damn turkey!" I growl, turning back to stare at the three headed thing. Great.

_"Gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble."_

"Ok, now that's just annoying." I say, shaking my head. I sigh and pull out my other Desert eagle, but then remembering that bullets won't kill this thing if it is actually following the whole _Hydra _beast. Seriously, is this virus ever gonna stop making weird shit?

"Gobble this, you damn turkey." I hear Santana say and I turn to see her with...with...that bitch.

"That's _my _flamethrower, you asshole." I growl, watching as she points it at the turkey, who is getting closer by the second. "It is supposed to be for dangerous situations."

"This is a fuckin' dangerous situation! We are about to be lunch!" She growls, pointing my flamethrower at the damn turkey. I roll my eyes. "Adios, abuela's turkey!"

I shake my head as she jerks the flamethrower at the turkey, but nothing comes out. Her eyes widen and she glares at the weapon. She gives it a shake, and then looks terrified as she turns to look at me.

"How come it isn't working?!" She squeaks out. I let out a laugh. "_Estúpido pedazo de basura! Por qué no vas a trabajar para mí!? Usted trabaja para Berry!_" She mutters in spanish and I shake my head.

"Hey dumbass!" I yell, gaining her attention. "Did you put on the backpack with the high pressured propane in it?" I say, quirking an eyebrow. Santana frowns at me. "You kind of need it to ignite the flame!" Santana's frown deepens and she growls before throwing my gun down. Bitch. Then she looks at me.

"Well I...oh GOD!" She yelps and I turn around and...ok. There are now three turkeys. I'm not usually nervous around too many animal zombies but these things look freakin' intimidating. "It's Night Of The Living Poultry!" She says and I would have laughed, if not for the sheer look of terror on her face. Nah, who am I kidding? I laughed.

_"Gobble, gobble."_

"Ok, let's...ummm," I pause and look at the entrance and see...two more. What the fuck? Were the people in here keeping live turkeys around? I turn to Santana and grab her arm, starting to run to the kitchen. "...come on!" She follows me and we both scramble to the kitchen. Unfortunately for us, they only have swinging doors so that isn't going to protect us much.

Once in there, I look around all the prep tables and realize that this place looks pretty much exactly the same as the one in the first Jurassic Park movie. Odd. I shake my head and pull Santana to the very end and we sit and lean against the table.

"What the hell are we gonna do? These things are man eating!" Santana asks, her tone full of worry. I sigh. "I seen a movie like this, you know! Except...the turkey talked and stuff. It's...don't look at me like that!" She says, increduously.

"A killer turkey? Why would you even watch a movie like that?!" I ask, shaking my head. I sigh and try to think of a way out of this. First of all, bullets don't kill these damn things. Therefore, i'm guessing that a knife or bat won't do anything. The only thing I can think of is...hmmmm.

"Oh god, _por favor, sálvame de esta ave, prometo no acosar a nadie más, y nunca voy a tocar a otro pavo, y también, me comprometo a darle a Rachel a cambio!_" I hear Santana mutter and I glare at her.

"I understood that you bitch." I growl, shaking my head. Just as I was about to yell at her some more, we hear the swinging door smash open. I turn to her and both of our eyes widen.

"Oh god! They're gonna kill us. Mama and my abuela are right!" Santana whines, letting out a ridiculous sob. I roll my eyes and I have to admit that even I am a little nervous. I mean...man eating birds? Crazy. I should write a memoir about this...or a story of some sort. If the world ever fixed itself, i'd be rich! "Oh god...i'm never gonna see Britt again. All i'm gonna see is the three esophagus' of a couple of birds!" My eyebrows quirk at that. Does she even realize what she is saying anymore?

"Shut _up_." I whisper harshly, hearing a couple of sounds from behind us. "You are gonna alert them to our presence." I continue to whisper, watching as she starts to hyperventilate a little. God. "Look, we will get out of this. We just have to..." I trail off as my eyes land on a fire extinguisher. Hmm. That could work. It could at least help us get the hell out of here.

"Have to what?!" She growls, quietly. Her eyes are moist and if I didn't know any better, I would think she was actually terrified.

Another crash is heard behind us, only this time much closer. Santana cringes and pulls her knees up to her chest. Ok. I can do this. I've killed zombies and zombie dogs. Hell, we even killed some Munkbies. We can do this. Fuck..._I _can do this. Satan will be useless in this fight. Damn those terrifying birds.

"Ok, here's the plan. I'm gonna grab that fire extinguisher and you are gonna run out to the car when I distract these creatures. Try not to get feasted on." I say and I can't help but let a small smirk grace my face. She frowns at me. "Seriously, watch out for those _poultry_-giests," I continue, watching as her face grows angry, "...they're cluckin' dangerous." I say, desperately trying not to laugh out loud. "Sorry, I meant to say 'fuckin'."

"You whore." Santana says, venom filling her tone. I let out a small laugh, but jump when I hear the dreaded sound.

_Gobble Gobble_

"Ok, on the count of three, you run." I say, breathing in deeply, preparing myself for this epic battle. "1..." I say, watching as Santana gets more anxious, "...2..." I'm honeslty starting to sweat myself. I'm about to say the final number when a head pops up beside Santana.

_Gobble_

"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hhhhhh!" I hear Santana screech, followed by a resounding 'CLUNK' and then a 'THUD'. Hmmm, I feel like i'm in a comic book. I turn to look at Santana who is holding a frying pan and runn-

"Get back here you fuckin' coward! " I yell, scrambing to a standing position as I watch the Latina run out the kitchen doors. Fuck me.

I start to make my way towards the door when I stop dead. A Zomkey (new word I came up with, all by myself)...stood in my way. I narrow my eyes at the bird and let out a deep breath. I can do this. It's just a-mother fucker those are big chompers! Holy shit! Is...did it's throat just fuckin' tear itself open? What in the flying fuck _is _this thing?!

I look around me, hoping to find something that could get the ridiculous bird out of my way, but I don't seem to be having much luck. It clucks a couple of times and I can feel the sweat drip down my neck. I can't fuckin' believe i'm having a staredown with a bird. A highly disgusting one, at that.

"Ok, here's how this is gonna go, Mr. Zomkey." I start, not taking my eyes off the damn thing. "I'm going to kick you to the side and get the hell out of here and you can go back to running this store. I promise." I say, making a move, only to step back when it...growls? No, it sounds more like a clicking sound. Hmm. "No? You don't like that plan?" I question it, looking around for something to...kill it?

The Zomkey takes a step forward and I take a step back. Hmmm, I don't like where this is going. I sigh. Fuck. I reach into my pocket, hoping to find a weapon of some sort but nope. All I have is this stupid li-AH HA! Hells ya!

I smirk wildly and laugh. I hold up my pride and joy and then glare at the Zomkey who-did it just spit up a hairball? The bird took another step forward and I take a couple of steps back, towards the stoves. Mwuahahahaha! I slowly turn the nobs on and i'm honestly exciting that i'm totally gonna pull this awesome stunt off.

It doesn't really register in my head that I still have no way to get around this Zomkey until I start to smell the gas filling up the room. I start to cough, _and then _realize my mistake. Great.

"Fuck." I say, looking around for something to bat it out of the way. Nothing. Nothing is going to work. Just nothing. What the hell am I gonna do-

"I got dis, Berry!" I hear from the other side of the door. I roll my eyes as it swings open and in walks Santana with...shin guards and a...is that goalie gear? My god. I really want to laugh, but the gas is getting me high as shit right now and I can't seem to stop coughing. "I have a bottle of bourban that will never get used. I'll just blow this bastard the fuck up and we be safe." She says, and althought I feel the need to correct her improper grammer, I don't, because panic flashes across my face. Does she not _smell _the gas in here?!...Oh, I suppose not with the mask she has on.

"No Santana! The room is full of gas! You light this place on fire and we all fuckin' burn!" I manage to yell before letting out another cough. The Zomkey gobbles and then turns to Santana. Her eyes widen and she hastily reaches into her backpack and pulls out the bourban. She throws it anyways and the bottle smashes against the ugly ass creature. I roll my eyes. It now looks more pissed then it originally was. Thanks Satan.

"Take that you bi-" Before Santana finishes her sentence, the Zomkey rushes forward and I almost open my mouth in shock as I watch Santana's only bottle of rum fly out of the bag and smash onto the floor. It was like...slow motion. I stare at her as she hears the smashing of the bottle. She looks at it and for a moment, I believe that I see one of her eyes twitch, but it could be the gasoline. "Oh FUCK no!" She yells, and strips herself from the goalie gear. "Nobody fucks with my rum you, too dry bastard!" She growls, once all her gear is off.

"San.."

"That's right! You're too dry! Somebody didn't baste you enough, huh? Nobody basted poor little Tom the Turkey so now you're all pissed and had to take it out on my rum! Well guess what you nasty little bitch!? Imma fuck you up and send your un-baste-worthy ass back to HELL!" She barks out at the Zomkey, which sits there patiently. Is she really insulting a bird? That's sad.

Before I even register what's happening, I see the Zomkey fly across the room into the freezer door. What the fuck? My eyes whip back to Santana to see her a karate-like pose. She then straightens up and looks down at the floor where her smashed bottle of rum lay.

"I will be reunited with you again." She swears, almost in tears. I shake my head and quickly stroll over to her, beginning to push her out the door. By now, i'm sure i'm bleeding from my ears and nose due to all the freakin' gasoline consumption.

Once we reach the front of the restaurant lobby, we begin to run to the front door, both of us eager to get out of this hell whole. On the way, we head down the alcohol aisle and I grab a bottle of vodka and grab a rag from one of the shelves. I stuff it in the bottle and as we reach the door, I look back into the restaurant and shake my head. Fuckin' zombie animals.

Santana and I run out of the store and when we are a safe enough distance away, I light the cloth on fire and throw the bottle as close as I can to the building. It isn't long before the building explodes into flames.

BOOM!

I lean back against my hummer and slump to the ground. I'm exhausted. I lean my head against my vehicle. I'm so high and disoriented right now. I look up at Santana and see that she is obviously upset about the bottle of rum. I sigh as she slumps down next to me. I put a hand on her shoulder.

"S'okay. We'll find you another one." I say, patting her lightly. She lets out a sob.

"I mean...I just...wanted...I just wanted to taste it. I just..." She continues to sob and I hope to god that she is a little drunk because this is so pathetic. "It...I hadn't seen it in months...and I just."

"It's ok." I comfort her, breathing deeply. I sigh and stand up. I open the door to the hummer and pull out a bag. She looks up at me and I smirk. "I was gonna give you this on your birthday but here." Santana perks up slightly and reaches for the bag. She looks inside, looks up at me and then looks into the bag again. Then she bursts into tears. "Uh..."

Before I even know what's happening, I have an armful of Latina surrounding me and loud sobbing busting my freakin' eardrums open. She's shaking and crying and snotting and i'm honestly getting more grossed out by the minute.

"You...biittttttch." She whines, still crying into me. I raise my eyebrows. "You...rum...love...ahhhhhhhhhh." She wails, and by now i'm betting on the fact that she's drunk.

"Are you drunk?" I question and her sobbing stops momentarily.

"The vodka told me that it would help me fight." I roll my eyes at her answer and she then continues to sob.

"God...go enjoy your rum and make sure to NOT puke in my hummer, Lopez." I growl, pulling myself away from her. "If you do, I will throw in the debris with Tom." I say, turning and opening the door to my hummer and hopping in.

I sigh and turn to look out the window and I can't help but let out a laugh when I see Santana hugging the bottle of rum to her chest and muttering to herself, occasionally looking at the ground. She then licks the bottle and that's when it gets weird...

**Ok, so hopefully you all enjoyed this as much as I did writing it. I love doing oneshots based on my longer stories. It's fun to do for sure! Hope to have some people reviewing or just telling me their thoughts in general! :):)**

**_O_ _[]_[]_[]_  
[****Faberry ****] {_**Pezberry**_}  
======= -{_}-**

**Tasty, aren't they? Hehehe, until next time folks!**


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